04 July 2008

3 more days..

No matter how my conscious self try to deny it, my whole being still shouts the same. Nothing has changed. And in 3 days, it'll mark one year of admission. Admission to self, that is.
 
They say that if you love someone, it'll stay with you for two years. Does that mean that I still have a year and 3 days? Sounds long enough. It's 12 months and 3 days. Or, 368 days.
 
It doesn't really seem to matter. Besides, I can't let anyone yet to get into me. Heart remains loyal. There were people, during the past year, who tried to get into me but I couldn't "see" them. Heart only wanted one person.
 
This is going to be tough. I hope and pray that my heart will still be strong enough to endure. And that my mind will be wise enough to discern..
 
 
I sought the LORD, and He heard me,
         And delivered me from all my fears
-PSALM 34:4 
 

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21 June 2008

So much..

I think I'll just be a pointless person if I say I still miss him. SO MUCH. But that's the point. I miss him.. so so much. Do I have to say more? I miss the man I love so much.
 
Oh, good heavens! Help me.
 

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23 May 2008

Apart from You, I can do nothing.

I really don't know how to get through each day. I feel I'm at a lost. But I hold on to my sole source of strength- God. Apart from God, I can do nothing.
 
You're all I want.
You're all I need.
You're everything.
Everything.
-Lifehouse
 
Father, please don't leave. I could hardly live another day. Imagine me without You.
 

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12 May 2008

Never forget..

"Maybe you shouldn't forget him."
 
"..you dont have to forget him. you can still love him even if he only see you as his friend because when you love, you shouldn't expect to be loved as well."
 
These are my friends' advise to me.
 
I am not forgetting the person. It's what I feel, what I have, that I want to forget.
 
 

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19 April 2008

366 Days

Yesterday marked the 366 days of knowledge.
 
As part of my preparations for that day, I've been gathering all of my energies while making the whole universe conspire together so I can really forget about someone. I am having regrets though, but it can't be helped.
 
It just hurts.
 
 

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05 April 2008

Miserable

I feel miserable. I am bored, I am tired, and I am miserable.
 
I haven't really forgotten him. I still even dream about him. And it always surprises me whenever I come to my senses realizing I am thinking of him. I sometimes wonder if I should ask his help. If so, I'll tell him, "Please help me forget you."
 
I want him out of my soul. But my heart and mind are conspiring together and I couldn't get over him. I could hardly see anyone else because he's all my eyes want to gaze. There were people who tried to get into my heart. But heart was too loyal to him that I couldn't let anyone in. Besides, they're not good enough.
 
I just want this feeling to die naturally. But when? How long should I bear this?
 
 

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03 April 2008

Distress..

I had nothing on my mind lately but to forget him. But just yesterday while watching Rachael Ray's show, I was inspired to learn to cook. But more than that, I had the feeling, the desire to cook for him. It really caught me off guard. I had this familiar feeling of "love" I feel from time to time. It's a feeling that suddenly pops out of nowhere, a light and free feeling to give.
 
Also, yesterday, I've been thinking of my fads. I don't usually get interested in something for a very long time with such passion. But thinking of him, it's been almost a year already. It's been almost a year of undying love for him. Somehow, I begin to believe and accept that I really love him. Yes, because no matter what I do I just couldn't free myself from this love. I still struggle to forget him.
 
I have to go..
 

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25 March 2008

Mind-Invasion

I am still thinking of him. Despite what I do, I still have him on my mind. He's driving me crazy! XP
 
I want him beside me. I want to be with him. I want to hold him close.. 

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22 March 2008

Struggle

I am no longer content. Not just with some things in my life but in almost everything. Nothing seems to satisfy me. I am such a stupid to know what can satisfy me yet stay away from it. I'm miserable. I look for something else.. for someone.
 
My longing is getting stronger and I am becoming more impatient. I long for him so much that every day, almost every moment of the day, I think of him. But then, my reservations are coming into surface. Do I deserve him? Do I deserve his love? Does he feel the same? Will he be true? My pride is all that is left protecting me.
 
I have tried so much, struggled for long, to forget him but I just couldn't. I still want him, more than before. And I am afraid that he'll be taken away from me. But if it is for his own good and happiness, I will let go of my desire. I know it will hurt, again, but I want him to be happy... even if it means not having me in his life, even if it means not to be with him.
 
There is only one question left that I badly need to answer- Do I really love him?
 
I want to know if my love is true and pure. I want to know if I have truly loved him during the past 11 months. And what kind of love do I have for him?
 
I miss him so much. I miss his embrace, his presence, even his stories. I miss him. And I am now confused. 
 

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08 March 2008

I Need You

I smile, but I am not so happy. I'm not happy at all. I'm sad, I'm lonely, and I'm disappointed. I am miserable. It sucks.
 
I need you. I want you to be here.
I want you beside me, in front of me or behind me.
I just need you near me.
I feel weak, and maybe, with you around I'll be strong.
I need you, please stay. I need you, please be here.
I need you for the reason I cannot say,
but I do more than you ever know.
 
I need you so much.

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07 March 2008

Left Behind

I feel left behind. Not so abandoned, but quite unwanted. It sounds like self-pitying. And it sucks. I feel paralyzed, or better say immobilized, by my problems. The spirits surrounding me bind me with their soul-piercing needles. I am still whole yet I feel that some parts of me are missing.
 
What hurts more is the feeling that the one I love does not care anymore. How am I going to fight this battle alone? I cannot ask anyone to help me. It is so un-me to do so. Whenever a battle has to be fought, I seek the one I love. But right now, it feels like I am left to face this alone.
 
I wonder what lesson should I learn. Faith? I guess so. My situation is like my life hanging in the balance. It's an all or nothing. Where should I go? How do I get away from this?
 
Maybe I have to learn face every problem I have and forget running away, which I usually do. Oh please, help me. Deliver me and save.
 
 
 
Apart from you, I can do nothing. You are my hiding place.
 

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25 January 2008

40 2/7 weeks

I marked last Wednesday as the 40th week of what I've been going through. Yeah, I know what that is. xp I've been anticipating that day for weeks, but when it passed by I did not notice. I actually just remembered it yesterday. So I am now wondering if this is for real. I am not worried at all because I have told myself before that if this is for me, I'll still get there someday, somewhere.
 
No more desire to be with him.
No more longing.
No more tears.
No more pain.
Free at last.
 
 

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31 December 2007

Three Seasons of Love

Eight months of growth. Six months of confession.
It is still here, alive and burning.
So strong so fervent.
So consuming.
 

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22 November 2007

The Other Side of Mirror

Imagine having a friend from the opposite sex who confides in you. Just telling some general things, though. She asks you how to forget something, someone. You tell her what you know.
 
But what if you find out that it is actually YOU she was talking about. You were the person she wants to forget. What would you feel? How would you react?

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16 November 2007

The Irony of Ironies

(I) pray that when l wake up. l already have mind and heart back.

But when I woke up the next day, all the tables have been turned. What I felt was what the very opposite thing I wanted. I felt a longing for him. This time it was just that I was happy about it.

I felt bloody IL with him.
 
Crap. -_-
 
This happened on the 24th of last month. It's been weeks since that day, the day I wanted to get over this. Too bad it's still here. And it's been 5 months since I said I want to kill the unneccesary load. But it got stronger.
 
I have no control about this. I am giving it back to God, again. I am sorry, Father. 

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14 November 2007

November Rain

I know I have denied a lot before. But I was aware that I shed no tears. There was no single drop of tear that fell on my face.
 
But that changed so much lately. I've been shedding a lot of tears, crying my heart out and I would realize that he, in some ways or another, has an involvement. Just a few minutes earlier, I was listening to Goo Goo Doll's Before It's Too Late. I remembered him. Then I cried.
 
When this began, I was bloody confident that I'll be fine. I was even glad that I haven't cried because of a man. But hades. There was a great turn of tables.
 
What happened? Does it apply to me what they said about love. You will shed tears in one time or another. But it seems that I shed tears from time to time. This sucks. Where is the "me" that I used to be? 

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08 October 2007

My Vicodin

I still get hurt.
I still have chest pain.
But I still think of him.
And I still long for him.
Coz he is my very own Vicodin.

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07 October 2007

In Pain

I'm still grieving about what I have inside. I am losing control. I hate it. I really want to get my heart back. But as I read my latest journal entry here, I thought how selfish my decision was.
 
Yes, I am hurt and I am upset. I am not free to love anyone. I have no freedom to enter a relationship. I am stripped of all the confidence I could have. But I wonder, if I don't have these problems will I fight for my love and happiness? Will I tell him straight to his face that I love him? I doubt it. I have so much pride.
 
But then, loving him gives me lessons about how to live and handle things in life.
 
I love him and I want him to be happy. I want to love him the way God loves. And I pray I'd be able to meet that. 

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20 September 2007

Faith

I have fears. And I have so much to learn. I know God is addressing my fears. I know God wants to deliver me.
 
My soul is troubled because of the decision I want to make. But then I thought, what if it is what God really wants? If so, while trying to runaway, I am depriving someone of the possibility and chance he will have to experience my love. It is not fair.
 
I think the reason for writing things about it is for me to be reminded of what I am supposed to be doing. Trusting God.
 
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on you own understanding. -Proverbs 3:5

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18 September 2007

Doubts and Fear

So.. Last month was when I was in denial. But now, I am willing to let go. Or so I thought.
 
I miss him. I want to be with him. I want to show him I care. But I have so much insufficiencies. I have so much doubt. I am afraid. That's why a part of me doesn't want to pursue things, even in patience. I am afraid. I am scared.

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23 August 2007

Guilty

I miss him! What the hell. *sigh
 
I saw him a couple of days ago and I was like... I wanted to hug him. And yeah, comfort him. He seems tired lately. Huhu.. I wonder if I will go through another phase, which I've been through couple of months ago.
 
Read between the lines. Ashush. XD 

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16 August 2007

Patience

I wanted to let go of what I have inside, to runaway, and bury everything beneath. But the Lord told me to make no any decision. That means I cannot say yes or no. I cannot pursue what I have. I cannot even kill this. I have to stay the way I am now, free and without involvement.
 
There were signs or things that make me think that the end will be in favour of me. But I always remind myself of what God told me. I can connect the dots, but I must make no any move. I have to be patient.
 
 
 
Lee Soo Young - Solitary 

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21 July 2007

Denial

I have been in so much denial. And I still am. But I cannot deny to God what I have inside. He knows me too well. I can lie to anyone, even to myself, but not to Him. I actually lie to myself a lot, denying things about this and that.
 
I have denied that I have something for someone I know. But God knows. Even when I found out the truth, I still tried to deny it. I kept on denying.
 
When I have learned about something, I have denied the pain I had right then. Just like before. I denied that I was jealous. I denied the fact that deep inside the pain is too much. I have denied enough to feel the pain. 

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10 July 2007

Jealous

OMG. I am indeed a jealous person. Tsk..
 
I was really jealous last Sunday. And to think that it was because of a--. Never mind. I'm so uncool. >_< 

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14 June 2007

2 Messages

I received two touching messages yesterday. But only one was for me. I didn't mind the other one, which wasn't for me. But thinking about it, I was wondering what would I do if the day comes when someone tells me those words, vis-a-vis. What I got was part of a friend's experiment. And I was able to handle it coolly. I am cool. Haha! I hope he'd share with me what he finds out.

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13 June 2007

Closer and Closer..

Bloody. I could hardly remember when I had that dream about Richardson. *checks archives* Okay, I found it. 16 May 2007.
 
Since that day, I have decided to give it up. My brain was telling that there's something wrong.. And I have to reckon that thought.
 
 
~ ~ ~
 
 
Something unexpected happened during the past few weeks. Never thought it'd happened. I knew there was a possibility, but I am not saying that it already happened. It can, and it might. As of now, I am trying my best to stop it. I think I can't afford another experience like that.
 
Having mutual situation is not  impossible. But there are lots of buts here.
 
 
 
 
OLIVIA - If you Only Knew 

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05 June 2007

Green-eyed Monster

Bloody hell! The green-eyed monster is taking over. My vitals are bloody altered! And just because of that discovery; just because of that one word... my world is like falling apart. I am falling apart. T_T

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29 May 2007

Anger

If I don't take proper precautions, my anger will turn into wrath and might consume me. I don't want that to happen. I'm too dangerous. I'm a threat to myself and others.

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2 Deadly Sins

Anger
If I don't take proper precautions, my anger will turn into wrath and might consume me. I don't want that to happen. I'm too dangerous. I'm a threat to myself and others.
 
Lust
As strong as my Anger is, Lust is another deadly trait I have. I don't engage in immoral acts, but if it isn't for my family and cultural values, I might have done so. It's grip is so strong. So Lilith.

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Anger

If I don't take proper precautions, my anger will turn into wrath and might consume me. I don't want that to happen. I'm too dangerous. I'm a threat to myself and others.

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27 May 2007

Despise

For the first time, I despised seeing the picture of a blanket. And I wonder why.

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08 May 2007

Silmarillion

I found a new name for him: Silmarillion
 
 
14 March 2007
First time to experience the wipe.
 
15 March 2007
Started thinking about Silmarillion, non-stop.
 
19 March 2007
Can't get over Oklahoma Reservoir.
 
20 March 2007
Saw Silmarillion in Edinburgh Reservoir.
Was in face to face position with him; me outside the station and him inside. 
Tried to reveal face.
 
21 March 2007
"If it was good for me and him..." 
Prayer granted.
 
23 March 2007
The Visit.
Saw and talked to Silmarillion.
 
24 March 2007
The Anxiety attack in the mall.
 
25 March 2007
The Vivid Dream
 
 
I am still thinking about Silmarillion.
 
 
 
Music:
OLIVIA - Stars Shining Out
 
 
OLIVIA, she's the singer I was thinking about when I was helping Silmarillion.

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15 April 2007

Sour-Graping

I feel really bad. So bad to the point that I vomited, not just once but at least thrice. And I had a little binge on chocolate. Depressed? You could say that. I cried many times tonight. I am so disappointed, broken-hearted, and upset. I guess I am not wanted in this event. -_-"

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01 April 2007

Bugged

I have never thought that since the day I met Thiamine I will always be bugged with thoughts of him. Read: I am always thinking of Thiamine. Yes, always like everyday. It's like a part of my system.
 
And lately, I have noticed some things reminding me of him. There's even someone who looks like him. I'm sure I'll be thinking of Thiamine later..
 
 
 
Hums - Dekinai [OLIVIA] 

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25 March 2007

The Vivid Dream and the Number

I came home finding out that Richardson is in our house. I was wondering what he's doing there. I just heard him talking about Sun. I found out later that he's Sun's cousin. And I also found out that Sun is Karla. Maybe they're distant relatives. He mentioned, "Nasa loob (ng kwarto) pa si Sun, nag-co-computer." The room was ours. He's staying in the S quarter, which was way better that what it actually looks right now.

We've discussed some things, but I can't remember them.

There was a scene where we were praying and the believers had a mark on them. I'm not sure if he has one.
 
 
That was my dream this morning, early this morning, which I've been wondering if real. I'm a skeptic person and even while being half-conscious, I still rationalize some things. But I think I was hoping it to be real.
 
~ ~ ~
 
I was in our classroom/test-room this morning when I bit my tongue. I asked a classmate to give me a number. He said, "One." I just smiled in amusement. Somehow, I was happy. For a moment, something made me believe that he thinks of me.
 
But it'd be really nice if for some time since our encounter, he'd thought of me. And I hope he appreciated how I did my task.
 
Maybe tomorrow, or on my next post, I'll write about the things/events I liked during the past week.
 
 
 
 
 
CORE OF SOUL - Photosynthesis

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23 March 2007

Thiamine: Made me glad; made me sad

I found out the Thiamine status and now I want to shed tears. I don't know. I'm sad, maybe hurt. How come I've become selfish?
 
I'm positive for retractions. Perhaps I'd have some arrhythmia. Kidding.
 
Naze? Ittai. Ittai!
 
I knew it. My mind was right. I'd be hurt in the end. *sob* 
 
 
 
Gackt - No Ni Saku Hana No You Ni 

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20 March 2007

Taurine and Thiamine

TAURINE
Six months ago, someone caused me to dream and aim higher. A week after that encounter, I saw him again and thought it was just a glimpse. That glimpse was my sign if I should pursue this higher dream and goal. And I was thankful to God for that. It was a sign, even just for consideration.
 
THIAMINE 
Wednesday last week, someone caused me to reckon my considerations. Surgery was not in my "plans" but when Wednesday came and made me a Scrub Nurse, I was re-considering my plans. I might consider Surgery when I will be pursuing medicine.
 
My Thiamine encounter was one of the things I will forever treasure. It was like that incident placed me quite higher than my actual position. And it was also the second time I found myself in pursuit. The first incident was with Block Fourgon, which was seven months ago. I find myself always wanting to see them, respectively.
 
When I saw Thiamine again, I felt like wanting to show my face. And if my hunch was right, he wanted to see my face. Two incidents told me so. First was when we're gathered together by our instructor and the second was when we're already outside the ED, near OPD.
 
I'd love to have another encounter. 
 
 
Music:
Yuna Ito - Truth 

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14 March 2007

Surgical Considerations

The past three days had such an impact in my life. Those days, especially this day, made me reconsider things and my dreams. I wanted to become a doctor, I still do, but surgery was not an appeal to me until this week. There's nothing more about this thought. I just want to write my considerations. If I will become a doctor, I want to have neurosurgery as my specialty. Or, I decided not to pursue surgery, I might stick to neurology.
 
 
 
Music:
HYDE - The Cape of Storms

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17 February 2007

Just posting...

I am upset. With myself, with other people, and with the situation am I in. I guess I'm losing control. Because doing so can trigger anxiety. Well, I think I'm being anxious now. I hate it. Sucks.
 
 
Music:
Cocco - Jukai no Ito

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30 January 2007

Anxious

medium_HM.png I suddenly felt a pang of lonelines hitting me. I'm sad. I want someone to help me but I don't know who. Except for God, I could hardly think of someone whom I can run to.
 
My anger/anxiety management is not yet okay. I'm afraid of what I might become because of these pains I have for years.
 
Is there someone I could run to? Would I be able to find someone who can lend his shoulders so I could cry. This is sad.. 

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24 January 2007

Be angry, but do not sin.

medium_Darkness.3.png

Be angry, but do not sin.

 

I was upset. And fortunately, I still am. Surprise!

 

Isn’t that nice? It started last weekend and we’re now in the middle of this week yet my anger has not subsided. For my health’s sake, it even got worse. Not that I’ve become angrier, but I got increased load of anger-causing-factors. Good for me. Really good for me. And you know what’s more exciting? I haven’t dealt with any of them. I just keep on suppressing my anger until I get some chest pain, which I get a lot of.

 

This is really bloody. I am helpless. I need someone to help me. I need help.

 

I’m getting in touch with my feelings. I getting past over denial, except for the love stuff. Maybe I’m just confused so let’s not include it in the discussion.

 

Okay… what I need is help. What kind of help, I’m not sure. But I think I need someone to talk to with someone who really knows me and understands me. Someone who’s not afraid to scold me, to hit me on my shell. Yet that person is also someone who will offer his (I’m talking in general gendre here) hands or shoulders for support.

 

Thinking about my needs, they direct me to someone who I am 101% certain will be able to meet them. It’s God. Yes, I need God. But I also need something tangible, visible, and audible. “Walk by faith and not by sight.” It’s true. But sometimes, you just need those three traits along with faith. You can’t appreciate beauty without seeing or touching it nor could you appreciate music without hearing it.

 

I am not excluding my faith from my life. I just need something concrete. My problems are real. My pain is real. They’re too concrete.

 


 

Music:
NANA featuring Mika Nakashima - Glamorous Sky

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03 December 2006

Revelations

We met yester night. Dang.. I missed him! I know he's sad and lonely I wanted to throw my arms around him. But I couldn't do that. We were in a public place and I'm not so sure if he'd be able to understand why I'd do that. So what I did, also to keep he's manly ego, was just asked him if he's okay and stayed near him as much as I could without verbalizing that he can lean on me. He was so sad, I could tell. He was wearing make-up, especially eye-shadow. I know what that means.

I was taking a mental note of where he is. I'm sad...

Sitting on a bench outside Wendy's, I saw him approaching. There was a space beside me. I tapped it beckoning him to sit beside me. He did. He was on my left. From time to time, I would look at him moving my eyebals for not more than 45 degrees. I wanted to embrace him and tell him he's got a friend who will not leave him. I even thought of leaning on his shoulder, spoiling him, but that would not be right. I don't want other people to think of me as his girlfriend. It's not for me, but for him.

I didn't want to initiate the topc about his break-up. I wanted him to open up. But he did not.
 
He asked me to come with him and buy waffle. I did. We came back outside Wendy's and ate our respective waffles. After eating, we came back to the group. Then after some time, he left. I knew where he was. A friend of ours was thirsty and asked me to come with him. I saw him sitting on the bench. I pretended not to notice him.

This friend of ours went down-escalators. When we're almost down, I turned my head and saw him. I didn't notice he came after us. And I felt bad because it was like I left him behind. I just really wanted to give him some space because I thought he needed it. But it appears I forgot that I know he's been always alone. Dang.. I hate it.

~ ~ ~

I knew that the reason he spent so much time inside the men's room was because he was crying. I could tell. I even bought a new tissue before I went to G4 for him! But he's a man. I can't just say, "You can cry on me. Go on."

~ ~ ~ 
 
When two of our friends came, he was feeling better. I'm glad. I tried my best to stay in positive mood hoping it'd be contagious and he would feel less gloomy. I really wanted to cheer him I even thought I'd sing "silly" songs to uplift his spirit.
 
~ ~ ~
 
He was feeling better and when I'd look at him, I am reminded of the times when we're 'new' friends. I've come to notice more about him, slowly. I found out he has laugh lines, which I love. He also got a dimple. I've got one.
 
For me, a man who has laugh lines (around his eyes) is sexy and gorgeous.And he who has a dimple is cute. He's got both and it's nice.
 
~ ~ ~
 
Dang.. I miss him so much. I am worried of what's going on with him. He didn't send any message today. I wonder what happened. T_T
 
I pray he's doing okay.
 
~ ~ ~
 
I am not asking that he would reciprocate any feelings. I'd rather not let him do so. All I ask is that he'd let me love him. That's all.. as of now.
 
 
 
Music:
Bada - Find The Way

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30 November 2006

Stormy Days

I never thought I'd love him. I never thought I would not be able to stop this feeling. It is real. It is pure. Everyday comes and I would think of him. He's always on mind. So addictive.

Doesn't matter if he does not love me. Does not matter if he loves someone else. I love him, that's enough. He will always be special to me. I have kept him hidden in my heart.

His happiness is my joy. His pains are my agony. I would bargain for him... ease the pain... take away the pain...
 
But I hope he won't know that I love him this way. I pray he doesn't see how dear he is to me. We'll be friends, always. And I hope he will see me that way.

When the storm is over, I will make a decision should I pursue the road or not. 'Til then... Until our hearts cross each other again.
 
 
 
 
 
Music:
Goong - Give Me A Little Try 

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28 November 2006

Tears to Rain

Another salty dews were shed yester night.

I was eating my dinner when I thought of him. I was thinking of how he feels at the moment and my health condition. As I was thinking, what if I pass away so soon, say this week? Who would love him? Who's going to look after him? And it makes me sad. I see myself as a person who could see through his soul. I think I know him enough, that I can do things for him. As I kept thinking about it and my death, I realized that he'll be alone again. He'll be left behind again. I can't stand it. It moved me to tears. I don't want him to be alone. Not now when he's in sorrow. I must live one more day.

He doesn't have to know that I love him in a special way. But I just hope he knows I care. I'll bargain just to ease his pain. I'll take even more than half of all the sorrows he feels right now. It doesn't matter if it hurts. I will do fine. God won't leave me.

~ ~ ~


I was hurt when I read a particular message. It was not addressed to me. But it hurt me because I know he will get hurt. I don’t care if his heart is set for someone else. It won’t hurt me. But what hurts is knowing that he’s hurt and there’s none I could do. He’s crying and I couldn’t wipe those tears away.

I want to wipe your tears away
I want to embrace and comfort you
But would you allow me to?
Would you let me show how much I care for you?

 

Music:
Mika Nakashima - Love Addict

 

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27 November 2006

Hurt Love

The person I love is hurt. And it hurts me.

This is what I say to people dear to me; Your joy is my delight. Your pain is my agony.

A song for him...
Your heart so sweet, so weak
It's filled with sorrows so deep
So fragile it's broken in pieces
Again and again and again


I hope I'd be able to help him and ease the pain. It hurts and it's sad.

 

Music:
HYDE - New Days Dawn

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16 November 2006

The Cape of Storms...

medium_yume.2.pngSix o’clock was about to tick and I was feeling sleepy already. Must’ve been a result of reading the novel. Not unusual to me. I took a nap because I could hardly hold it. I know I had visions, but I couldn’t remember them. But there was something that quite bothered me. There was a part in my sleep, before I got conscious and coherent, where I almost had a dream about a friend. It felt like he was knocking on my head and wanted to get inside.

I could hardly understand it. It's like I can see him anywhere, feel him near... I don't know. What a man! But really, thoughts of him haunt me- sleep or awake! It would not even matter if I have my eyes open or shut.

But I can't keep this going. Not now. No. He's so dear to me, I have to sacrifice what I feel. This hurts, it's sad. Sayonara...
 
 
 
Music:
HYDE - Evergreen [english]

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15 November 2006

A Love to kill...

medium_Alone.png I'm beginning to take the first steps now. I don't know how, but I have decided already. A love to kill... But the love the Lord wants shall remain. But I'm beginning to doubt myself... Oh my... how could I have reservations?

"Your love should not be dependent on what the person you love feels about you." I know that. Oh please, God... please let our friendship stay genuine. I am sorry for what I have done. I no longer know what to say.

I need You, Lord. Stay with me. Please don't leave me.

Goodbye for now
But we'll see each other again tomorrow
Until then, we'll know what to do
As for now, let's seek first things first...




Music:
L'Arc~en~Ciel - Shinjitsu to Gensou to

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10 November 2006

Lies and Truth

medium_yume.png I received a news yesterday. I was all right. I was even happy. But at the back of my mind something tells me another thing. It was stupid because it was expecting me to react the typical ways. But I can't just do that. I am a friend who thinks what is good for a friend. I love my friends... that tells you why. (Read 1 Cor. 13)

I left the place because I was looking for books. But before that, I went to the park. I needed a solemn place. Maybe, just maybe, I was unconsciously hurt. Or maybe my superego was just so dominant I wouldn't admit to myself what I feel. Yeah, whatever. You can't just make me do that. There's nothing to admit. Why make things complicated?

As I was sitting in the bench, looking around while my thoughts wander anywhere and everywhere, I've come to realize that I looked like a person who was in shock. It was actually my "subconscious" that was working at that time because it woke me up. My "conscious" mind was in state of "blankness" that I myself was surprised. But I couldn't grasp the thought of what I was really trying to show, the words I want to say, and the thoughts I wanted to think.

What convinced me about my unconscious hurt feeling was the physical manifestations: I felt hot as if my temperature was elevated; I had headache; my breathing rate has increased; and, of course, I wasn't feeling okay. Maybe it was a weather effect. Maybe not. If so, then there's a possibility I'm in state of denial.

It seems like I can't really admit what I feel. It's always my mind that prevail. Now, I don't know which are lies and truth. But I am still at the peak of my youth. I can't just trust the judgments of this hypothalamus-stimulated feeling. Like what I said, Love is geometry: The heart and brain must intersect.




Music:
L'Arc~en~Ciel - Perfect Blue
 

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31 October 2006

6th Sense

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29 October 2006. Sunday. MH, UPD.


*He called me "***" for the first time. I thought it was sweet. Shagadelic. It's not about being called by that name, but by how he said it. I wonder if he's going to call me by that name again. If so, it'll be fine with me. I was actually a bit surprised when he called me "***". There was something different...

*I was doing my part and he was about 10 metres above me, diagonally. He was either taking pic or vid. I wonder if he was doing it for me. *lol* But I quite noticed that the direction of lens was on me. I wonder if there was someone near me worth taking vid for. Haha!

*Still 10 metres away from him, I wore my spectacles and looked at him. He was looking in my direction but that doesn't mean he was looking at me. Well, I hope he's not far-sighted or someone with 20/20 vision. O_O

*I wonder if I sensed it right, but it seemed like we're "sensing" each other. *lol* The mystery of life...

*The day's activity was already finished so we're checking on our works. I was standing and he was sitting watching the video. I was lucky because I can look at him without anyone noticing. Then through my peripheral vision, I saw that he almost looked at me. It was a half-turn because he seemed to have sensed that he could be noticed. =p

*Over-all, he reminded me of a friend, in junior high, who seemed to act the way he did on this day.



I am not saying or seeing this as "he likes me too" but I was just amused. He's been my LFS for days now...


 

Music:
L'Arc~en~Ciel - Shinjitsu to Gensou to

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25 October 2006

Forbidden Lover in an Evergreen Oasis

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I'm going to be honest now. Shagadelic. *sigh*

For the third time, I'm driving somebody to someone. It's my only way to hide what I feel. But what I do is genuine. It's out of the "goodness of my heart" that I'm doing it. I don't have intentions to possess them or keep them just for me.

The last two seemed to have been hurt of what I'm doing. I'm not sure. I hope I'm wrong. But if the feeling is mutual then I'm sure I've hurt them. The third and last person seemed to have transcended the pain that I was able to feel it right away. Or was it just that I've grown up? I'm not sure which one.

I'm a forbidden lover, a flower left in this evergreen oasis. *playing around* I don't have the right to reciprocate anything now. Not tomorrow or for the years to come. I'm a complete forbidden lover. I can only give my love, but I must not expect anything in return. Never.
Forbidden lover...

 

 

Music:
HYDE - Evergreen (japanese version)

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19 October 2006

Disappointed

I am very disappointed. But just a minute ago, I've come to realize that I am more disappointed with myself. I had expectations, all unmet. I was waiting for someone I know would not be there. I suck. I just want to run away; shed my tears; sleep for a whole day...
 
But I am glad that someone was genuine enough to remember me. He was the first to greet me yesterday and a year ago. At least, I could say to myself that I have a friend.
 
My tears are falling silently... 
 
Is it goodbye? If I bid farewell, it's going to be forever. "I am living because I could." Lara Croft on killing
 
 
 
 
Music: Orenji no Taiyou 

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28 September 2006

22-3

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I don't have all the time today to post what happened to me emotionally during the past days. An overview might do. I hope it would.

The person I used to include in Club 3 was disqualified. But just seven nights ago, I found out that he's qualified in Club 3. If only there's Club 2, I'd keep him there. So I decided to have him as 22-3. It's read as "twenty-two dash three". Wait... I think this number suits him. It was a realization and the nth of could hardly explain...

I have an idea! 22-3 Red Hometown, Block Fourgon. Haha!!!




Music:
L'Arc~en~Ciel - Ready, Steady Go (Hyde)

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24 September 2006

A letter to the Creator

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My heart is troubled
Someone has come
And showed care for me
And my heart seems close to this man.

The one I love was left alone
My love and care did not reach him
Instead, they were given to someone else
But I am alone.

The attraction grew fast
With the man who showered me with care
But to the one I love
Months had past before I knew love.

At first I denied
But now I could not
All I could do is hide what I feel
Or else I could no longer face him.

May my silence not betray me
The test of time requires patient
If ardour is strong enough
Then judgement has been decided.

Days will never be par to months
Quality will always be superior to quantity
And my love has met both requirements
Thus, patience is what's left of me.

Thankful I will be
To the man who cared for me
But I will not come to him or choose him
Only time can tell what decision I will make.

I am not worthy of a man's love
There is nothing good in me
My flesh is full of flaw
And my soul is always troubled.

If woman was created for man
Then who is the man I was created for?
Should I wait for eternity
Or die and live until the next life?

You, the One who created me
Take away the flaws of my flesh
Make me clean and green
Worthy for the man I was created for.

Cause me no trouble
Bring the man for me no shame
My soul is ripe
But my flesh is rot.

What then should I do
To redeem the shell I live in?
Would you strip me
And clothe me with beauty?

Look at me, my Creator!
See what happened to me
I was left alone and abandoned
Thus, I learned nothing to care for me.

Did you prepare me this way
So when time comes to face the world
I will hide in darkness
And seek Your wings to cover me?

Even the tallest of all mountains
Will never be enough to hide me
Dark forests will make me feel naked
And my body will tremble in shame and fear.

See now, my Creator
What will You do with me
Was I made to bring shame to my father and mother
And let me die in shame of myself?

Was it my fault?
Will You not show mercy?
I am weak but I have served You
Will You not consider and pity on me?

Listen, oh my Creator!
My birth was a shame to me and my family
But don't allow me to keep living in shame and regret
For it would've been better if You took me away while in my mother's womb.

 

 

24 September 2006. 0230H - 0301H

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14 August 2006

Someone...

Will I be able to find someone who will need me? Someone who wants to be with me... Someone who would want to be with me always..
 
And will I be worthy enough for that person? This is sad. I am sad. 

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05 August 2006

Selfish Brat

I think I really am a selfish person. I only thought of myself! How could I be so egocentric! I hate it. I am so sorry. Bloody! How I wish what I had in my "imaginations" will happen. I want to get rich! Oh, please... *cries inside*
 
 



Music:
Typhoon - Monday buteo Saturday

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02 August 2006

마이...

Watching 마이걸 made me realize how to know if you really love someone. That person is the only one you see. And when someone wants or tries to take your heart, you cannot give it because someone else has taken it. Only one person fills your heart. He's the only one you think about when good things are being talked about. You may not long to be by his side but when the time comes that he'll be taken away, you will run away.

When you will be told to count from 1 to 5 and think of a particular person, he's the one who first comes into your mind.
 
If that person is the first one you see after five seconds, something will happen. I think I won't do it. I'm afraid of what will happen. Reminds me of Seol Gong Chan.
 
 
 



Music:
Lee Soo Young - Grace

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19 July 2006

Old Rose

When I first saw Old Rose, I knew he is someone to reckon. And I kept doing so. I wonder what attraction pulls me to Old Rose.


It was yesterday or the day earlier when I became "more" exposed to him. I was more than pleased. Actually, I never thought I'd see him again yesterday because what I knew was people like him don't pay regular visits to the ward. I think he's a resident. Oh! Speaking of "resident" I was actually thinking of using it to refer to him. Anyway, I was just surprised to know that he was there. Thank God!


I didn't see Old Rose when I came this morning, but later during the shift, I saw him in the station. I was really happy. I couldn't help but look at him. I know he doesn't have that beautiful skin like Dr. Smooth, but I just like it. It's quite mysterious.


We may have already parted, but I'll find him. We may not know each other, but I will find a way so we could talk. There'll be a way. And it will be somewhere, someday. It doesn't have to be the same place but that day will come.

Who can tell? Only time...


Day 1
I knew I've got to reckon him.
I have a feeling I'm going to miss him.

Day 2
I was right. I missed him.
He was wearing an old rose polo. Tekti!

Day 3
Day of goodbye.
I wasn't able to talk to him, but he walked right behind me.

 

Gosh, I miss Old Rose!

 

 

Music:
Enya - Only Time

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12 July 2006

Bad Day

This is sad. I am not free. Like a caged bird, I long to fly. Sadness envelopes me. Anger consumes me. I might get indigestion because of this. But then, it's been hours since I've eaten. I know I am not right. I hate this. But I wish I will be allowed. *sigh* Seems like I am not free at all. I have strings attached to me, taking control of my moves. I can't decide for myself. Not now. I am too weak. Such were the reasons why I have a vice like this.
 
I wish it rains again. Please let it rain. Please.

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11 July 2006

C List

Glucose 97

He used to be such a nice and sweet guy. Yes, he was. I'm just not sure if he still is (to me). Anyway, I shall say nothing further about him.

 

Miyavi

This guys is so cool, hip and charming. Oh, don't forget that he's talented. I like way he carries his self. Funny and crazy. Just pure interesting and challenging.

 

Gong Yoo

I saw him played the role of No-Young. The role, I guess, suited him well. He was so cool and charming. I like the attitude.

 

Lee Jun-Ki

First saw him in a K-D. I'd say he's a guy to reckon. And I did while watching the K-D. Doing so made me find him so charming. And I've liked him more when I saw him sing (and play piano... if it was real). He is also like Miyavi.

 

Croatian Nike

Just knew him last Saturday while watching a Tennis match. He caught my attention. So interessante. I like how he did his "pro" and react to things. And his eyes; I guess those enticed me. =p 

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06 July 2006

I am what?!

Is it really true? I am --- arrggghh! I can't say the word! Wuuoooh. Is it confirmed already? *cries inside* Please, no. I hope it's not true. It can't be. It ca NOT be! *Yoo Rin panic mode*

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02 July 2006

First Resolution

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I've been thinking about what I felt lately. I may haven't figured out the whole thing but I just thought about what I had in mind about this particular person. I said I'd run away and keep a distance. But today I thought, why would I do that? If I really care for him then I should show it. There's nothing to worry about what he might think. Yes, he could say in his mind that I have a crush on him but that won't matter. I may show kindness and gentleness to him simply because I care. I care enough that I may show compassion. The same goes with other people. But it's just a little different with him.
 
If what I feel is real and true, then it should show. It's still possible to keep a distance. I'll keep emotions within walls.
 
Our friendship is worth keeping than sacrificing.
 
 
Music:
Ayumi Hamasaki - Fly High

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01 July 2006

Cop/Detective A

Like what I wrote in my other blog, I ahh like cop/detective stories. What I actually realized is my attraction to cool, strong, protective cop/detective heroes.

medium_Gong_Yoo.jpg
Gong Yoo
 

He plays as the protector of Cha's daughter in the movie She's on Duty. His character was so cool. Lovely. Tekti! =p

 

It actually started in books. The first was on Mike "Torrid" Torrance in Every Move She Makes. The second was T Merle Tabbing in Partner-Protector.

 

 

Music:
Third Day - Take My Life

 

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28 June 2006

Glucose 97

For the past few days, I've always been thinking about a particular person. He's always on my mind I wonder what's up with me. And I am wondering if these feelings are just effects of watching Korean dramas and reading novels.
 
I want to know what I really feel. Am I experiencing this bloody thing they call "ni ai"? Eww! Cheesy! I hate it. I hope someone would tell me how to know if you're ni ai. And what I also hate is I couldn't share it with other people. I've got no one I could trust enough about this thing.
 
You may say I am in denial. Maybe you're right. If I am actually ni ai. Will someone verify or nullify what I feel? Oh well, thinking about the question, I am reminded about what ai is.
 
1 Cor. 13 
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  8Love never fails.
 
I think I can pass those ai qualifications for this person. I believe so. Actually, I just want the best for him. I want him to be happy. But I don't desire to be with him. I believe it conflicts my POVs and life situation. Just as I thought. It's because I am not allowed with such thing. How sad. But I actually want to be in such thing when I am old enough. Mid to late twenties.
 
Am I really ni ai with him? Arrgghh! Why do I have to bother myself thinking about it? Can't I just go on and let things be? If he pops into my mind, so what? -_-
 
What's funny about it is doing the old school "FLAMES" thing. Yeah, I did that. Unfortunately. I even took the percent. -_- Well, I got 97% Haha! Anyway, the result of this FLAMES was "Sweetheart" so I thought from now on I'd refer to him as Glucose 97.
 
By the way, I am not coming on that day, on t